As soon as there was some stability in my life, it all came crumbling down. In the blink of an eye, it was all gone, Now I, we, could lose it all. And I can’t do anything to stop it. I just sit here, powerless. It’s all bigger than me. I can only watch it fall. I don’t know what to do…
Each day that passes, I find myself drawn back here…
it’s my birthday tomorrow…
i’m where i was 2 years ago. how did this last so long? fuck.
i think and my eyes blur. i didn’t mean for it to happen. but i’ll get over it. by myself. you have your own troubles and you don’t need mine.
it was wonderful. and horrible at the same time… magical almost. how fast it dropped. then i became content with the number, and you threw food at my face.
i caved.
now here i am no longer content.
Remember? When you used to be normal? When you could eat without feeling guilt after? When it didn't feel like the whole world was judging you? Fuck…
In class today, the TA bought the class cookies. I grabbed one so people wouldn't be like oh… why you no get one? So I fucking grabbed one. The whole time I was fighting with myself… to eat, not to eat. What if people ask why I didn't eat it? I had some… Like half? I stopped multiple times thinking how fat it would make me. How everyone will notice I ate. How I would lose that hungry feeling I had. I guess I still have it now since it was not much of the cookie. At some point I actually considered undoing what I had done. What the fuck is wrong with me? It was half a cookie. What is there even to throw up? Ugh. So I estimate 100 calories because I don’t know what he put in them… I remember (or assume) there used to be a me who would have eaten that cookie guilt free. Where I didn't feel the world judged the crap out of me for eating that cookie. Where is that me? I miss her. Whenever I picture her, she’s always so young. I want to go back to when I didn't know the crap of the real world. Even for a minute… I miss that….
